It's Been a "Nope" Sort of Day

10 de febrero

Warning: this post is basically just going to be a big complaining dump about my day.

It's not that well written.

Sorry.

When I put on my "Nope" shirt today I was protesting a Spanish test that I had one night to study for. I was protesting having to wake up early and was expressing my general distaste for the day ahead.

Little did I know that it would quickly turn into the summary of my day.

My phone was stolen in a 30 second window on the (wrong) bus to school today.
I, stupidly, left it in an easily accessible pocket while I paid my fare and as soon as I found a spot and reached for it, it was gone. Props to the thief tho, I hope he gets some good money for it, it was a (relatively) new, nice phone.

I'm trying to be an optimist about this but it's not really working.

I feel kind of empty.

One of the issues with having an anxiety disorder and depression is literally anything can tip you over the scale. When my anxiety gets to high (like before an exam, like today) my depression is generally not too far behind. Motivation has been hard recently, and with this mourning process sort of thing literally all I want to do is curl up in my bed and never leave.

I want to call my parents and just talk.

I want to hide under the blankets and cry.

And it's not just because my phone was stolen, that's just the last straw in the snowball effect that is my life with mental illness (apologies for the blend of idioms). 

I keep being hard on myself about the phone thing and I know I should let it go but also I made a really stupid mistake and now I'm paying for it.

Basically I feel like a mess right now and I hate it.

But, shout out to my friends who comforted me today. It helped <3

A Stroke of Bad Luck

1 de febrero

Today I spent about 4 hours in the hospital.

I want to preface this article by saying that I am now OKAY. I really don't want everyone to panic over this, my day was scary and I never want to have to go through this again, but I am okay and I am getting some prescriptions filled in case it ever happens again.

Okay, so here's what happened.

Starting about 11 am today, my eyes started acting weird. You know how if you stare at a light your eyes get a white image stuck in them for a bit? Yeah, that happened. But it didn't go away.

About 10 minutes after that, my right arm went numb. But not like numb like it fell asleep, I just lost all sensation up to about my elbow. At first I thought it was a pinched nerve 'cause I get those a lot, but when I kept it resting at my side and moving my fingers and nothing changed, I started to know something was wrong.

About 5 minutes after that, I stopped being able to talk. My tongue stopped working and I couldn't form words unless I talked very, very slowly and enunciated very, very clearly.

It was probably the scariest moment of my life.

As soon as the first syllable slipt, I focused on saying that I had to go to the hospital. Now.

I heard one of my classmates voice my fear: "She's having a stroke."

Power was off at the university, so my professor, roommate and I had to hail a cab to get to the hospital, and the driver had to ask to get through a construction barrier in order to drive us there, but I made it in about 20 minutes.

By the time I was checked in and was in my very uncomfortable hospital bed, my symptoms were over and I felt fine. 

I got a CT scan for the first time, and it was so short. The worst part was not twitching while it happened. But now I have some cool pics of my brain!

Which, by the way is totally healthy. So I didn't have a stroke, thank god.

The neurologist said that the most common cause of stroke-like symptoms in youth is a severe migraine. He said that the blood vessels in my brain constricted so much that it cut off blood flow to the nerves in my arm and to my speech center. 

Mom suspects it could have also been triggered by anxiety, because those symptoms can overlap.

I got stuck in the hospital mostly due to wait time, but on the bright side I was served a lovely bland hospital lunch that consisted of chicken broth, agua de jamaica, this potato thing with cream and spinach (it was amazing tbh) and some sort of jello. I think it was orange? I didn't eat much of that.

I got home around 4:30 and took a nap. Syd and I are about to go to the pharmacy to fill prescriptions for when I get a bad headache and one for if I ever suffer a pseudo-stroke again (praying that the latter turns into a waste of money).

Other than the headache, I feel totally fine. The worst thing now is if I ever stumble over a word (which has been happening a lot lately because I'm getting stuck between languages) my anxiety immediately starts screaming that I've lost the ability to speak again. Getting over that will take some meditation and calm breathing, but I feel confident that I'm going to be okay.

I've been getting messages of love from friends and family, and I feel comfortable in my support net here. 

I just hope that I never have to use it again.